IN A FUNK...

Today, after reading my favorite blog Tongue In Cheek, I am simply at a loss for words... My feelings of inadequacy are rearing their ugly head and I just feel that anything I have to say and anyway that I try to present it will come across as bland, insipid, boring and dull.... This is what has stopped me in my tracks in the past...If I can't do it perfectly or "be the best" well then I'd rather not do it at all....I'll sit on the sidelines while I watch others succeed...Maybe I'll eat a candy bar or two to make myself feel better.....or I'll be angry....or hurt... or feel sorry for myself and respond with some sort of totally misplaced frustration toward myself or others.... The grey days I described yesterday have been replaced by sunny, blue, glorious skies...but today the greyness is in my heart and in my head....I fear so much of being ridiculed that I simply do nothing at all..... I isolate...I overeat or drink or watch tv...and the vicious cycle repeats itself... .When I feel I can never be as good as others , I do nothing ..... If I don't do anything there is nothing to ridicule...so the real me, the best that I can be is hidden away in baggy clothes, unwashed hair , inappropriate behavior, loudness, crudeness... I act in the exact opposite of what I want to be....what I admire in other women....

All THE LEAVES ARE BROWN..and the sky is grey..

The days here continue to be overcast and grey....The air is fresh and filled with the fragrance of the Jasmine vine that grows crazily around my house...My favorite time of the year...WINTER IN CALIFORNIA...this is the time when all is in bloom... when you can breathe clearly... a fire burns in the fireplace.... My favorite clothes come out... sweaters and gloves... thick tights.... boots... wooly scarves... The wool coat I bought in London... .Wrapping myself in swaddling knits.... When you have sunshine for 300 days a year, 10 inches of rain total... Grey becomes soothing ...comforting... It takes the edge off the dust and dirt and smog and leaves covered in the grunge from the cars and planes and trucks and ships coming in and out of this harbour town...

HAPPY 90TH BIRTHDAY MOMMY !!!!

TODAY IS DOROTHY BRAEGER WOLFF'S 90th birthday...can i ask all my dear blogger friends to send into the universe warm loving thoughts to a woman who has lived a long life of joy and sorrow.. struggle and pain..ups and downs and over and outs..... Mamma , may a sweet gentle warm feeling envelope you today and the rest of your days...may the remainder of your days be filled with peace...I love you....Happy birthday little one ..... Happy Birthday sweet girl......

FOUR SEASONS IN ONE DAY.........

Winter in Southern California is mostly a mild , nondescript placid season with not really a lot going on......We have grey skies, sunny warm days, or days with no weather at all... you don't really notice it.....yeah, another nice day........but yesterday was different..... We were all over the map!!!! Torrential rain, hail, rainbows, sun and for good measure a Tsunami added to the mix.....But it was beautiful.... The sky glorious blue..... The air clean and fresh... and when the rain did stop briefly, I ran out there with my brand new best friend and took some photographs of the brave and bold gardeners on my block...the landscaping pioneers of Wrigley... MAUNA & LEE.... BILL.... MIKE & LYNETTE..... My wonderful neighbors...as colorful and generous as their gardens......Free Spirits who went against the grain to make the hood one heck of a cooler place to be.....

JUST IN...this afternoon during the storm.......

HERE COME THE PICTURES(.. OR MAYBE NOT....)

I had requests for pictures of the garden...I am taking day to day pictures of THE WISTERIA ...It is going to be stellar this year.. THE FIRST CALIFORNIA POPPIES.... THE BRUGMANSIA.... A QUIET LITTLE SPOT NEAR ENGLISH HUSBANDS SCULPTURE.. Now to get the words to get somewhere near the pics!!! WHEW!!! These pics are of the back garden(I know what your saying "I see grass!!" well its actually weeds that are green because of all the rain... They are history come this summer.... We plan on digging all that out as well and putting in decomposed granite......THE POPPY is from the famed front garden... It started to rain and I didn't get any more photos ..... OK...I'm going to push the dreaded PUBLISH POST BUTTON...IF I NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN... Thank you so much for your encouragement.........Beatnheart will not be beaten down..

THE DAY I DUG OUT MY FRONT LAWN...

When we first bought our little Spanish style house in September of 1999, one of the first things that I did (after pulling out the carpet at midnight to see if I had hardwood floors) was dig out all the grass in my front lawn..Now here in Southern California, we are living in a desert... Most people do not realise this...They think we are in England or the Midwest or other areas where there is alot of rain...we do not get a lot of rain...therefore we do not have the water to keep up a green lawn or any lawn for that matter.. .Go to the desert.. .look around... do you see any grass growing??.... The natural landscape is a decomposed granite type of floor with various sages and other shrubs that are indigenous to this area... grass is not one of those things.. So I tore out my lawn.... passersby would ask "when are you putting in the grass?" "I'm not putting in a lawn.." I replied... They snorted and sniffed and walked away... I proceeded to plant various rosemarys ,sages, succulents... any type of plant that didn't require alot of water...I put in rocks and gravel and bird baths and bird feeders.. Someone reported me to the city...I received a citation in the mail to remove the "weeds" I had growing.. I ignored that and carried on my evil plan... As the years went by, I began to notice, that one by one other people started to dig out their front lawns as well... In their place went Mexican sages, Pride of Madeira,Gazanias, Verbenas....Our little neighborhood became a kaleidoscope of color...Hummingbirds, butterflys, birds...the place is exploding with them...People come in their cars to look at our pretty little street...they take pictures..they wished they lived here...

OH WHERE,OH WHERE DID YESTERDAY GO.....

Title of a new song? Lament from a jilted Lover? No, a question I've been asking myself since last night when somehow, in some crazy wild moment, I lost yesterday's posting!!! I rather liked it too!! I have been trying to find it since about 6pm last night when in a split second it was gone...."I know you are in there somewhere," I cried!!! but received no answer back.. I even woke up in the middle of the night thinking "ah ha, I think I remember where I put it"...but of course I don't have a clue....All the work, all seven of those beautiful comments,gone, gone, gone... Now in my younger days, this kind of thing would have discouraged me to no end...I would chuck this whole plan in..." I can't do this!!! Who do you think you're kidding!!! You're a total loser!!!!" You know what? I'm going to soldier on!! You won't win....You're in there somewhere and dammit I'm going to find you...