THE BIGGEST BLIZZARD...part 10

       I wasn’t always the one on the outside looking in. When I was in my early teens I had confidence.  I didn’t have a weight problem and my skin was clear.   I had a really cute boyfriend who was the captain of the basketball team  and I was head cheerleader and together the two of us were hot property in our small sphere of Catholic school where I went for 8 years of my life  with the same 32 kids who I played with and had my first Communion with and went to birthday  parties with and laughed with and cried with and fought with and made up with.  And in this little universe I felt as  comfortable as I could be and sometimes popular and sometimes not.   Because when you live in a home where secrets are held close to the chest one must lie to keep those secrets inside and when you do that you become known as a liar because its hard to keep all those stories straight and you are not completely trusted and you don’t even trust yourself because that is what lies do to a kid.  The undercurrent of truth is held below the surface never to be brought to the light of day...keep it hidden, keep it underwraps, keep reality in a place where no one including yourself can find it.  bury who you are.  be a fake. and maybe then no one will ever find out the truth.  But I had this boyfriend.  And we were together from sixth grade to eighth grade.  And that seemed to be alright with my parents because I was a good girl and I didn’t know anything anyway and times were innocent and I was innocent and how can you be bad if you don’t even know what bad is.   So I thought that  me and this boy would last forever and get married and I would live happily ever after because he made me feel special and loved and I dreamt of the day we would have our own house and be like The Cleavers or The Andersons.   normal.  And I kissed this boy, but never went any farther because I didn’t even know how far it could go.  I was never told anything but instinctly being the good Catholic girl that I was,  I knew that touching wasn’t allowed and so I didn’t allow that.  I didn’t even know where babies came from..I thought it had something to do with my bellybutton but wasn’t sure.    Catholics in the 60’s just didn’t talk about that stuff.  The nuns sure didn’t talk about it.
They told us things were a sin but we didn’t exactly know what those sins were.  At least I didn’t. When I got my period I thought I was  dying.  My mom told me I was a woman now but I said I didn’t want to be a  woman whatever that meant.  Was I going to start having babies?   How were things going to change?  No one ever really explained it to me.   I was only 14.   I still wanted to be a kid.
    Me and this boy then went to Junior High.  Public School.   We went from a small insulated world
into one in which I was totally unprepared for. We were no longer in the safe and familar confines of Immaculate Conception School but were put out into the big wide world of all the other schools combined  and I was no  longer the big fish in the little sea and I was gobbled up and spun around and got lost in that shuffle of pretty girls who knew a lot more and did a lot more and went a lot farther..and I didn’t make the cheerleading squad, and I didn’t get a part in the play and my good looking boy looked pretty good to all these other girls too so he dumped me faster than a hot rock and I was left alone with a fragile heart that was
broken in two and a feeling of tremendous loss and unbearable loneliness and dealing with emotions that a girl so young should not be dealing with. I would see him in the halls with one girl after another and my heart was shattered and it was way more than my already delicate self could bear.   I shouldn’t have had a serious boyfriend at such a young age because now the pain of losing him was way way way too much for me to handle.  And all I wanted was to have him back.  And all I dreamed about was getting him back.  And those dreams were not gonna happen this time and I was no longer  the bright outgoing girl, but a speck of dirt, lost  in the hallways of junior high, trampled on by girls with prettier clothes and more money and better families and so I went deeper and deeper in my room with my records and with my candy and chips and sodas ...and this is where i stayed. And I was squashed down into nothingness.    and I didn’t join school clubs, or have any activities and I didn’t go driving around town with that handsome grade school boyfriend that I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life because that is what we talked about for hours on the phone and that was our plan together.  And I was dreaming about this and waiting for it and waiting for high school when we could drive in a car and our world would be our oyster but this dream died in a blink of an eye with me standing alone in a river of tears in the hallways of Farnsworth Junior High.

                                                                          - 11-

  My room was on the upper floor of a white with black shutters CapeCod on the South Side of town. It was a room that I shared not only with my older brother but with my father.   It was a source of deep shame and embarrassment for me to have my father in the same room as me.  I didn’t know anyone else who had this and my guess was that it wasn’t too common of an occurrence.  When girlfriends came over they asked who slept in those other two beds so  I  lied and said they were for guests but of course those guests never came  and girlfriends never slept over because then one of the big secrets would be revealed.  I always came up with a reason why they couldn’t spend the night at my house.  My mom was sick was a good one because I certainly used that one a lot and people got use to it. This was a  secret that no one knew about and that no one ever will because I would have died had anyone found out. But I  wondered... what were my parents  thinking...?  Couldn’t they have come up with something better than this? This was a big room.  My father could have built some sort of wall to let me have my own little space, private and separate from them.  It would have been tiny but  it would have been mine.  A wall.   Thats all I needed.  So I could have a little bed with a nightlight and a little closet to put my clothes in rather than a washpole hanging from the ceiling.. And all the pictures in the Sears catalog or the magazines that I saw in the drugstore did not fit the image of this room that I had.  The pink and white bedrooms where little girls slept with canopy beds and ruffles and lace.  And my room didn’t look like the rooms of my girlfriends who shared rooms with their sisters with matching twin beds and frilly curtains and chenille bedspreads just so.  My father didn’t even finish this room.   He just left it with the insulation showing and I would read the instructions on that insulation..."paper  goes toward living space'... because I couldn’t sleep with all that snoring or the screaming and cursing or the smashing of dishes or the thunding of bodies being pushed against a wall.  And I would cover my head with a pillow or rock violently back and forth in my bed to drown out the noise. So my mother, who had to have her own room because she couldn’t stand him , sent her husband, my father to share a room with  his young teenaged daughter, who was already sharing a room with her brother, so her sister and her could have rooms of their own.  While this bright spot of a once shining and capable little girl was sent to her room forever.  lost in this room not of her own.  An ugly, brown paper walled room, to lie awake fantasizing  of a better future that was nowhere in sight.

THANK YOU ALL.

for your kind words and thoughts...

You make my life so much sweeter,

just by being there.

R.I.P. COUSIN KATHY

It is with great sadness that I have to report that my dear cousin Kathy died Sunday June 27th after
receiving fatal head injuries from a motorcycle accident that occurred on Saturday June 26th at 4:30pm.
 Kathy and her husband Guy, were traveling on Highway 78, near Merrimac, Wisconsin, when their
Honda Gulfwing motorcycle was struck by a 24 year old woman who had just done a U-turn in front of them on the highway.  Kathy, who was wearing a helmet, was airlifted to a nearby hospital, died the next day.   Her husband Guy, remains in the hospital with critical internal injuries.  An investigation into the accident is being held.     


   My heart is heavy with sadness as Kathy was my favorite cousin.  Always so giving, kind and generous.
     Easy going and cheerful, she was a hairdresser who was always willing to give the entire family
 cuts, perms and color just for the sheer joy of sharing and giving to the ones she loved.  I can picture her fixing 
my grandma’s hair in her kitchen, with others waiting their turns.


  My last memory of Kathy was on a visit to Wisconsin a few years ago.   Her husband had just gotten a job as an Executive Chef at a very fancy resort just outside of Princeton.    She took me there for a fantastic meal cooked by Guy, a very fancy dessert  and afterwards we sat in an exclusive, swanky lounge where we drank Cognac and smoked a cigar.  We laughed so hard and remembered so many things we did when we were children while visiting our Grandparents house in Merrill, Wisconsin, up in the northern woods.  My grandparents owned a tavern there and the whole family took the place over, with cousins running all over the place as our parents drank and played cards, a Wolff family tradition.


  Kathy and I had a wonderful time together that day and bonded after a long time of not seeing one another.    I shall miss her tremendously and my sincere sympathy and prayers go to Guy.

Kathy’s mother Ann and her big brother Henry, my papa, are welcoming her into heaven.

MAYBE I’LL REINCARNATE AS A CAT.

BECAUSE WHEN YOU’ER A CAT...

LIFE CAN BE SWEET.....

and if you like sleeping, then being a cat
is a very good thing to be.

CYNTHIA & DAVID TAKE GOOD CARE OF US.

 and love us even if we’re naughty....

WE TAKE GOOD CARE OF OURSELVES

AND ARE NOT ALOT OF TROUBLE.

WE ARE EXTREMELY PHOTOGENIC.

ITS JUST ONE OF OUR MANY TALENTS.

Not all cats are as lucky as ours.  Please spay your pets.

Encourage others to do so.   And go to your local shelter

to adopt.   Our cats have brought us endless hours of joy.

They are my best friends.  I think that they are one of the

higher life forms with a grace and wisdom that sometimes

blows my mind.   When I am feeling blue, a little snuggle

brings me back.  When I lie down on my bed for a little

nap, there they are, close and tight next to me.  Surrounding

me with their love.   

THE UKETTES ON OUR CRUISE TO MEXICO

I wanted to share this with all my bloggy buddies.  Some of you don’t

know this but I am in an all girl ukulele group....

We went on a cruise to Ensanada, Mexico .

We were able to take advantage of all the cool locations on the boat to

shoot our first “Video”..Our own talented Hannah did the editing and her

boyfriend Mark shot the video...Click here to watch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIVuTdPsJj


BEING IN “THE UKETTES” HAS BROUGHT ME A LOT OF JOY.  IT HAS ALSO
HELPED ME WITH PERFORMING IN FRONT OF PEOPLE, WORKING TOGETHER
AS A TEAM, AND HAS ADVANCED MY MUSICALITY.   I NEVER DID MUSIC WITH WOMEN BEFORE AND WITH PLAYING WITH  GUYS I TOOK A BACKSEAT.
I WASN’T ABLE TO BE ME AND REALLY LET LOOSE.
                                              


ON A TECHNICAL NOTE, THIS POST HELPED ME TO LEARN HOW TO POST A VIDEO, 
WHICH I HAVE NEVER REALLY TRIED BEFORE.  IT SEEMED TO WORK OK BUT, HOW
DO I POST THE ACTUAL YOUTUBE CLIP...CAN ANYONE ANSWER THAT FOR ME?


  
      

I’M BACK.....

I’VE BEEN THROUGH SOME CHANGES..

BUT ITS ALL FOR THE GOOD.

I’VE BEEN REARRANGING

AND ITS UNDERSTOOD.

THAT GOOD TIMES AND BAD TIMES

ARE PART OF THE GAME

NO MATTER HOW FAR YOU GO

 SOME THINGS STAY THE SAME.

PLAY IN THE KEY OF G

MY “TRIP” ENDED UP BEING A SERIES OF

DAYTRIPS.  I WAS A DAYTRIPPER, YEAH.

JUST DRIVING TO LITTLE LOCAL LOCATIONS

OR SITTING AT THE BEACH.  BUT ENJOYING

NONETHELESS A FEELING OF FREEDOM

AND A CHANCE FOR ADVENTURE

IS SOMETIMES ENOUGH..

AND SOMETIMES MORE THAN ACTUALLY

HAVING THE ADVENTURE..

I JUST NEEDED TO STEP BACK

AND STEP AWAY 

FROM ROUTINE.

SO I LET THE DISHES PILE UP

AND THE LAUNDRY BASKET OVERFLOW

AND CRANKED UP CHRIS ISACK

ON THE RADIO..

AND I PUSHED BACK THAT SUNROOF

AND LET THAT CALIFORNIA SUNSHINE IN

BEATNHEART 

AWAY FOR THE WEEK...

Cynthia and Princess in the i Mac Photobooth.

She does not look very happy.

OFF FOR A LITTLE WHILE...

NO COMPUTER ACCESS

TAKE CARE MY FRIENDS AND ENJOY YOUR WEEK..

                        

MY FIRST CAR EVER....

I never got a car as a teenager, but I was able to use the family’s

1957 DeSoto and later the 1964 Pontiac Tempest..

When I left home in 1971 until I got married in l983 I did not own

a car.. I used a bicycle or the bus or relied on the kindness of strangers to

get me around the vast area of Los Angeles..

When we got married, my husband bought a l966 Volvo Station Wagon,

stick shift which I couldn’t drive...so still no wheels.

Then we got a different Volvo Wagon, automatic so I could drive

whenever he wasn’t using it.

It blew up in New Mexico on a road trip.

Volvo Wagon #3 entered the picture.  Then #4, our

current car...

BUT THIS LITTLE CREAMPUFF IS MINE!

on June 1st. 2010 I finally got my first car.

YOU’VE COME A LONG WAY BABY...