Tuesday, March 30, 2010

THE BIGGEST BLIZZARD...PART FOUR

I shut my eyes and listened to the sound of the wheels of the car as they were spinning through the crunching, slippery, blinding snow.  There weren't many cars on the road, only the few who had to
be there.   Those who had to make it to work or had business in Milwaukee or had to go to the airport or those who were escaping the frigid, grey, dull and uninspiring surroundings.   I was in this car.  I was with the boy I loved.  I was leaving, leaving behind the pain and misery of those last eighteen years....
   I scanned my mind and looked back on it all...  Was it all bad... was that all that there was?   Where were the grown-ups who were suppose to help the lost child.  Where was the guidance and nuturing and words of encouragement...  My parents were too wrapped up in their problems..  my mother was  certainly in a world of pain herself..  How could she help me when she couldn't even help herself.   She was a lost child as well with no one to guide her.   She married a man she probably once loved but mostly she married a man to escape the hell of her own childhood home.  No one helped her either..  The blind leading the blind leading the blind.   Generations of lost,  lonely, abused women.
    My mother was drowning in a sea of self-hate. wounded and crippled without any means of freeing herself from all that pain..  so she drank.   and she took pills.   and she passed out.    and she fought with the man she thought she loved so long ago and no one could pull her out of the deep, deep hole that she fell into and was still falling into and the long dark deep hole did not have any light or any way out. She just kept falling deeper and deeper.  And so her family fell into that hole with her and did their best to hide it from the rest of the world and tried and tried to make things normal in a place where normal didn't have a chance.   A place where everyones' bright, shiny faces were hidden behind a mask, one after another after another until this midwestern family no longer knew who they were or what they were meant to be
 and so this family lived around this woman's moods... stormy, dark moods...violent manical moods.. never ever knowing what was to come next..what they were going to see when they came home from school at 3:15.   Would she be happy.
 Would there be a dinner?   Or  Would she be in a dirty, cigarette burned bathrobe , lying on the floor unconscious...would the little girl have to take care of her and get her off that floor and put the butt out in the ashtray and clean up the spilled drink and shake her to bring her out of it ?    Would she have to endure this alone while the rest of the family were  at their jobs and didn't get home until later.  Or would she be so guilt ridden from the day before that she would lavish the little girl with sweets and special treats and undivided attention...Always a roller coaster of emotions..always doubt and fear...always never knowing what would come next...but always knowing it would not be good.... I thought of these things as that car went down the interstate with a man that I did not know as he steered it toward freedom with the boy that I loved who was my knight in wire-rimmed glasses, long hair and green wool army coat.

HAPPY, HAPPY EASTER TO ALL...HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND AND SEE YOU ON MONDAY....CYNTHIA

26 comments:

Jeanette said...

I'm so very, very glad you found the courage to escape. My heart is sad for your younger self living in that dark world. I just cannot imagine. Though, we've probably all escaped from something, or someone at some point (or needed to). My heart is also joyful that you now live in the light. I'm looking forward to yet another installment. Nicely done Cynthia.

kelro said...

Yes, nicely done, writin' your arse off. Very well written and moving. You go grrrrrrrrl!

maura said...

Cynthia I can't imagine what it was like living under those conditions all those years. Such a sad sad way for a child to grow up and I certainly understand why you felt you needed to leave. I think it was the best thing you could have done...get far far away from that living hell. I hope your mom was able to get help. Look at you now...look how far you've come from THAT!!! What an example you are for others that may be going through the same things. You don't have to be a victim of your childhood...you can get beyond it. You may carry some scars but the scars can make you stronger and at the same time more understanding of others. Look at you...Yoga Girl...Jewelry Maker...Blogger woman to name only a few titles!!! Ya...you go girl!!!!!

Fire Byrd said...

Both my parents were alcoholics and were on anti depressants, no therapy back then. Both trying to deal with the pain of their own awful childhoods. Both clinging together.
No wonder my sister and I are both therapists.
so the circle of life goes on.
xx

Pooch Morning Glory said...

hugs
~laura

PK Studios said...

Cynthia, I feel like I want to give you a hug! Though I don't really know you well, it seems like you have found the light at the end of the tunnel. You have a strong spirit! And, thanks for all the support on my end : ) Hugs, Penny

Pam said...

Keep writing it! Want to see what's next...love the concept of your knight in wire-rimmed glasses. Brave you.x

Dustjacket Attic said...

It's so tragic, this vacuum of pain you all got sucked into, so sad to have had a childhood like that.

But as Pam said loving the idea of your knight in his glasses.
hugs DJ

Red said...

Hiya
I saw your comment on Just Be real's blog and was intrigued. Beautiful writing above and I wanted to say 'stay strong', who cares if no one comments - it's obviously good for you to share!
Love
red
x

nostalgia*gal said...

Morning! Came over to see what you are up to.
Your story..I think it makes us stronger people no?
Heading over to your new shop.
Hugs,
cindykay

Chris said...

Thank you for sharing this story. It's good to bring dark secrets into the light. And you've shown glimpses of future hope. I'm glad you escaped. I escaped at age 18 too, from my abusive angry damaged father. But my Mom persistently tried to protect us, God bless her! I'm sad that you didn't have a Mom like mine. This is so well-written and brave. Thank you!

Beatnheart said...

The great thing about all of this and the telling of my story is that now it feels like it truly is in the past...My life is so blessed and easy now!! I guess I did enough suffering in this lifetime!! Also, I forgive my mother totally...she has not changed even in her advanced years(she's 90!) but I know the damage she has suffered and the undiagnosed mental problems she has endured. I've seen so many glimpses in her own untapped potential... I was ready to delete this post as I felt I got to "heavy"...I am glad I didn't...My story will continue.

Dustjacket Attic said...

I'm glad you didn't delete it either...it is your story.

Just wanted to say that your comment meant alot to me...thank you.

xoxo

Ange said...

That's a real heart-wrenching story for a fellow Virgo to go through... Keep the story up. If it's your best way of putting it behind you - It's also well written and not too heavy at all. We have to forgive 'for they know not what they do.' which is so the case. Looking forward to reading more and checking out your lovely goodies on sale too... xx A

Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...

Appreciate you sharing.

Julie@beingRUBY said...

Dear Cynthia
this could be my story except swap the mother with the father and a few other sad woes.. I actually left home at 15 so know how you must have felt at this time .. it's hard to write and publish something so personal.. good for you... xx Julie

Anne - Fiona and Twig said...

Just beautiful....your writing is very evocative, I can almost hear a Rickie Lee Jones song in there somewhere. :-)

Have a wonderful Thursday!
Anne

nostalgia*gal said...

Morning Cynthia!
Replying to your comment to me ..If it’s a AWESOME shows you are looking for it would not be Nashville show’s but the TEXAS ones!! The Texan shows have tons of people that pick and sell the type of things you and I love - they display things with such an artist flare. Here I am known as an oddball as I am just about the only one to decorate my Antique/Flea space up. Email me so I can have your email address and I will send you some links to check out the big Texan Shows, they are to flip over and if I could travel -where I would go. Your email address does not show up when you comment on my site- Here is mine nostalgia_gal@comcast.net
PS Your links for your awesome necklaces are working great. You are doing FANTASTIC for being so new to the computer world and I am so very proud of you!!
Hugs, cindykay

valeria said...

Hi,
I am totally captured...can't wait to read more.
Relieved to know you are now living a good life.
Ciao from Italy xxx

BellaRosa said...

Cynthia amor, I am enthralled with your story! At first I thought it was just a reg. post...maybe a story as I was reading and then I was mesmerized and so into it that when it stopped I was crushed...then I saw it was part 4...now I have to go to the beginning..then I come to leave you a comment to thank you for following my blog and thus enabling me to find you and read this amazing story and I find that it is YOUR truth....amazing, incredible how we all have a story to share...with those that are willing to listen. I thank you for sharing it with us....I felt it as I was reading it, the anxiety building up...you have a wonderful talent for writing, I can't wait to not only read more about you, your story but also all your other posts on life's day to day, your art...etc...I hope you visit me again, and that we get to know each other better :) Besos, Rose

ps...I was so happy to see you are in So Cal too! Even better your in Long Beach?? We are like minutes from each other :) I hope you don't think I am a stalker..lol I am just SOOO happy to finally find a fellow blogger near me! :) I am LOVING your pieces! Please email me anytime :) Bellarosa118@yahoo.com

Rose ~Victorian Rose ~ said...

Cyntihia......so glad you came over and joined MY blog...I have been SO amazed...and truly blessed that it has grown to this size...I only started it late last year, not sure of the date......but not that long ago..
and did not want to have it so much "theme" based as " delightfully clutter" based.
Posting LOTS of sometimes odd ball and/or neat, beautiful things that appear in front of my eyes ....and across my mind.

Sweet lady,I read a small portion of the story of your childhood..... until I could not read it any longer...reminded me too much of my childhood pain. I am sorry your life was SO VERY distorted when you were young.
Children should NEVER have to deal with that sort of shamelessness. NEVER !!

And I too was very emotionally abandoned and/or abused by both my parents when I was younger...and in fact up until I was 30 years old...with the "help" of my first husband.
BUT....we women are strong ...we survived.
Tell Bella Rosa thanks for sending you by.

Sincerely, Rose
P.S. You have a new member too. ( Snicker)

Paula said...

You write your heartwrenching past so very beautiful. It is good to remember whilst no grown ups was there you were not totally alone either. I could understand if this writing is liberating you. It does liberate me and helps me along. Hugs from this side of the pond

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh may-- What a story and what great writing. I take my hat off to you and I'll keep reading.

Happy Easter
xo

koralee said...

Thank you for sharing...your writing is amazing. What a touching story...what strength you have. Hugs to you my friend. xoxo

Paula said...

Cynthia, thanks for your comment. If you really wnat some ideas, please contact me via: tunpa at hotmail dot com. We are not alone and I am fortunate to have this extensive trauma therapy available to me, if I can and have done so in past, I share and help. Hugs to you, Paula xxx

Duchess of Tea said...

Hope you had a blessed and happy Easter. Take care luv and have a lovely week.


Love & Hugs
Duchess

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