Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Sometimes it’s a gentle breeze...

I have been feeling my mama...
sometimes standing right next to me.

I was in the garage and I smelled her perfume...

I snapped my head around but she wasn’t there.
I was hoping she was.

Standing there...  All young and pretty
and healthy and happy...and living
a life different than the one she had.

one door shuts and another one opens
or so they say.

I know that she’s in a better place.
and her tears are dried gently with
a loving hand 
as i wish mine were right now.

There is nothing in the world that prepares you
for losing your  mama.  Even when you know
it’s the right thing and the natural thing...
and something we all must go through.

I’m waiting for things  to get better...I can’t seem
to make it through a day without crying...and I’m
grouchy and short tempered...and I miss her so.
And I don’t know what normal is anymore...

when a gentle breeze blows I feel her and I
feel her soft mama hand stroke my cheek and
dry my tears and make it all better.
And I long for childhood days of carefree flight and fancy free
happiness.  And running swiftly across the sand of Lake Michigan
chasing gulls and laughing and yelling at the top of my lungs
while breathing that briny air and then hearing mama calling us in to a supper
of her extraordinary fried chicken and hearing dad’s change jingle  in his
pockets while coming up the drive after a long day at the plant.  
We grow up when our parents die and the childhood days
are a faded memory that will never return and I can’t go back
and I really wish I could.

she was there with me from my first heartbeat

miss you mom.your baby.


OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Oh, My Dear Cynthia....I understand, my dear. You write so beautifully of your loss and your dear dear memories of chiodhood--that fried chicken---I believe I can actually smell it----And you are so right. We are never prepared for this inconsolable loss---I believe your momma was there with you in the garage, telling you she is alright now.....It is still so new, my dear Cynthia; new and raw. Be gentle and tender with yourself and be very very good to yourself, too....My heart goes out to you.

PK Studios said...

It's hard to imagine that someday we all must experience what you are feeling. At some point soon I hope that when you think of your momma, you will smile without tears and your day will be happier for it. Hugs, Penny

Heavens2Betsy said...

A beautiful, touching post about your sad loss. Your Mama was beloved to you and what more, at the end of a life, is there that she could have hoped for? Sending you healing wishes. penny

Kath said...

No words can make it easier, so I will just send you a long hug and I will light a candle for your Mom in the little Angel statue at Chalice well gardens.

Gracie's Cottage said...

Hugs to you....


Pam said...

Oh Cynthia. This is hard. So much grief and beautiful memories. I guess our loved ones want us to move forward but my heart goes out to you.

Cynthia Fox-Giddens said...

So beautiful and touching.

jeanette from everton terrace said...

We grow up when our parents die. Wow Cynthia. Nicely said.
Thinking of you.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

The grieving process will bring you heart's ease in time. Thinking of you and sending you hugs today.

louise said...

Thinking of you and sending you a big hug Cynthia xx

collage whirl said...

This is the most intense time, up to the six month anniversary I've been told. It's been ten years since I lost my mom and the terrible sense of loss does grow fuzzier, only kicking in from time to time, instead of almost constantly like you're experiencing right now. It's ok to allow yourself to feel the pain, just like you're doing. It's indeed a process...virtual hugs <3 Deborah

Chris said...

A hug and a prayer to you my friend. A hug and a prayer....Love you~

Fire Byrd said...

What is normal or right is to be how you feel right now. There isn't a way to do grief we just muddle along as we can, crying, raging, feeling guilty. All of it is right and it continues till it's done. It's about as long as a piece of string!

Jeanine Burkhardt said...

Dearest Cynthia...
Sending you warm hugs...
Jeanine, ChiPPy!-SHaBBy!

La Petite Gallery said...

You will always feel her, as time goes by the hurt will ease up. I still dream of my gorgeous Dog Thor. I cry everytime I see a dog. Sending you a real big Mama Hug.. Yvonne

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh Cynthia, My heart is breaking for you. I can appreciate how painful this is for you. Sending big hugs and knowing your Mama is looking over you.
xo jj

Anne H said...

WOW- I love the pictures and the way you write.
I feel your pain! ...I'm a daughter, too!

You say you don't quite know what is normal anymore?
Well, they crying IS the new "normal."
In an quirky, healing way. Day by day.
It only gets better!

Pamela Terry and Edward said...

You are in my thoughts today.

Ange said...

Consider the letters on this comment a gentle hand to wipe your tears.
Much love Cynthia

Red Rose Alley said...

Oh, this brought a tear to my eye. That is so special that you felt her presence in the garage and smelled her perfume. Yes, when you lose your mom and dad, you think about all the beautiful memories when you had growing up with them. I still do all the time. I found a picture awhile ago while I was looking through her old pictures, and at the bottom of the box there was a picture of me and mom. Oh, how my heart did sing. Hold on to your loving memories, and please know that I am thinking of you today.
~Sheri at Red Rose Alley

Why S? said...

You have a lovely way of expressing such a painful experience. I'm sure she was very proud of you and would be proud of you now.

Be kind to yourself.

Rebekka Seale said...

I can't even imagine.

Maura @ Lilac Lane Cottage said...

Sweet Cynthia,
I wish I could take your pain away. Even when you know they're going to go you're just never prepared for it. Trust me...you will get your childhood memories back and you WILL be able to remember the good times you had with her without the pain. You WILL be able to smile again with happy memories of your Mom and family. I promise.
Love you my friend.
Maura XO

La Petite Gallery said...

Your Mama is watching out for you so,
be assured
she is loving you still.
Here's a warm and fuzzy hug.

PK Studios said...

Thinking of you.... hoping you are hanging in there. I hope there was some sunshine in your day today. Let me know if you want to come up to Ojai for a fun afternoon. xo PK

Pooch Purple Reign said...

aww... HUG . i have my momma still and sometimes i struggle not to be impatient with her. i try to remember to appreciate the moments.
~laura xx


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