Saturday, August 20, 2011

Beatn down heart

and the old door shuts one last time
Just a tiny little pin prick of light...shining in her dim and clouded eyes.  Recognition?  Does she
remember me?   The baby girl she had so long ago, held for countless hours, lost sleep over..Now
I am a mere shadow.   I saw Cindy on TV she told my brother.   And after the first visit, she never
asked for me again.   She didn’t remember me coming there in the flesh, holding her in my arms, whispering in her ear..it’s gonna be alright Ma.    But is it?   This is where the elderly end up...after all those years of struggle and pain and heartache and abuse and suffering and laughing and crying.   Oh yes.  Crying.
Years and years and buckets of tears and rivers of tears flowing endlessly out of those cloudy eyes.  And
now?  Now what?    All those years of saving and sacrificing and not spending a penny on the nice things..the money saved so carefully...the sacrifices made for what?  Adult diapers and a tiny hospital bed in a stifling, airless room with the noises and wails of others...suffering equally.
            The woman who never shared a secret with anyone is now living among strangers where there
are no secrets.   All the dirty laundry is aired out right there in front of everyone.
Partners in wheelchairs and walkers.  Roomates.   Wailing like infants in a maternity ward.   Get me
out of here.   No longer able to walk...talk...think clearly or think at all...back to crawling and crying
and wearing diapers.

  91 years is a long time to live.   Sometimes too long a time to live and in the case of my mother the tears
and agony and wishing for things better carries on still.   I’m still on my knees...I’m still praying for
something better... for the pain to end for her...and us.

12 comments:

Debra She Who Seeks said...

When a loved one has reached the nursing home stage, it's a blessing for them to be mentally hazy and living in their own little world. A terrible truth. Yes, this is what it all comes to. Another terrible truth. I know from my own experience how unsettling it is to visit a parent in a nursing home. Hugs to you.

Spirited Earth said...

experienced this whole unsettling situation with my aunt..who fortunately, after some months, was able to go stay with my mom...next, i will be the one moving so they may stay in their home as long as possible. I strongly feel,as a country, we need a better way to care for our elderly..

Jacqueline said...

Oh Cynthia,
This is such a hard time for you and, of course, your mum. My Dad was in a nursing home for the last eighteen months of his life and died at the age of 91. He was fine until the last couple of months and obviously not as bad as your mum but, I can so understand what you are going through. I know that you are doing all you can and that will help you in the coming months. It is so hard to see our own parents like this.
I will be thinking of you Cynthia. Take care. XXXX

loveandlilac said...

I'm so lucky my Mum is a fairly spritely 90 year old. I do hope both your Mum and you soon find peace. Louise xx

mise said...

Many good wishes to you and your mother, Cynthia; what a hard, hard time.

Kath said...

I was so sad to read this Cynthia, it was be agony for you watching your Mums decline and confusion. It's not what we want for those who gave us life and loved us all those years.
You;re in my thoughts, lovely girl xx

Christine said...

Sending loving thoughts, good energy and prayers.

La Petite Gallery said...

I went through this. When my Mother finally went it was a relief. She caught a cold and just drifted away.I will never forget. I couldn't cry. I had cried so much before. She is still with me every day I say her name. Hang in there, it is so hard a thing to live with. God Bless
You and your Mama. Yvonne
sending a hug Darling.

Chris said...

Cynthia, so sorry about your mother...It's so sad for so many very elderly ones~~and for their families. Love you sweet girl. Prayers for your mom....

PK Studios said...

I'm sorry for your pain Cynthia. I will send out a prayer for you and your mother tonight : ) Big hugs and light to you!

Jeanine Burkhardt said...

So Sorry to hear of your family situation Cynthia... Sending you lots of loving thoughts...
Jeanine, ChiPPy!-SHaBBy!

kelro said...

Very sad and emotional. I remember when it happened to my stepdad, and me, one who never cried, bursting into uncontrollable sobs of horror and disbelief when I first saw him shuffling out the door to greet me that day; shrunken, disfigured, mentally vacant - a mere shell of the person I had seen not 3 years prior. It's very hard and very sad and happens to most all of us. All my love and strength goes out to you and I wish you and her, peace.

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